Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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