I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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