Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
