I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
