Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
