Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
