I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
