Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
