you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hippo gnu deer
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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