i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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