Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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