By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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