I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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