Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
