I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
