where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
