I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As shirtless as possible
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
