I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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