my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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