I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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