Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
