Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
