My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
