I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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