He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
