I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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