Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone came in the potted fern
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
