I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
