Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
