Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
