If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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