I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
