woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sext me about skeletons
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
