Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
