he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
