Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
