how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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