shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
