Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
