1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i wish my penis had a tongue
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
