The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
