does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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