i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
