Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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