i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
