We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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