so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
