the condom got lost in my hair
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
