38 yer olds are good kisserssss
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
