I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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