I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
