omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
