Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
