I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
