Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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