I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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