I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
