I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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