I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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