Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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