are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
