I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
