A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
