I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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