I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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