So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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